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A Treatise on Assholes

I think I am an asshole. For many years I've tried to couch it in all these different terms, 'I have such a superiority complex', 'ooh I need to check my ego', 'god, I'm so pretentious'. I'm just an asshole though. I think I'm smarter than people. I make sweeping judgements and assumptions about people. I have little regard for people in general. I'm an asshole.

Now, that's not to say I'm a bad person. I care deeply for my friends, I try my hardest not to hurt others and I certainly do try to stop myself when I notice I'm being an asshole but at my core that's what I am. Now we could delve deep into the reasons behind this and examine my childhood and my relationship with my parents, but no one cares to do that. It's so much easier to just shrug it off and say 'I'm an asshole. It's just how I am.'

Let me ask you something though. How does someone love an asshole? It's definitely not impossible, just ask anyone you know married to a cop. Seriously though, how do people love me? Sometimes, if I don't feel like it, I just don't answer my phone. Yes, I see you calling. Yes, I see your text. I'm not 'just forgetful'. I'm not 'never on my phone'. I'm just an asshole.

It isn't all bad though. There are certainly benefits to being friends with an asshole. Feel bad about some dude trying to sell fake jewelry on the beach? "I'm not interested, let's keep going." I'm always the devil on the shoulder. "'Let's stay out a little later." "Who cares if it's a school night." "No i'm sure your mom won't be mad if you uber an hour away to hook up with some strange man you just met. And even if she is, I'll take the blame. Don't worry." Assholes never take the blame.

That's another thing. I just lie all the time. With no remorse. I don't give a shit, I'm an asshole.

Some people find it hot. I've been told I'm pretentious in the best way. I've been told it's cute when I act like I'm smarter than everyone else. I'll literally just mansplain things and right when I think I'm being an asshole some will say "you have such a way with words"

You know what I think? I think if you're not an asshole it's you who's in the wrong. I mean think about it. The richest and most successful among us are assholes. Elon Musk. Jeff Bezos. Warren Buffet. Fuck them. What assholes.

Yeah, that's what you say until you're drinking Dom Perignon in your gold plated private jet hand-built by refugee children.

Why aren't you an asshole yet? Why aren't you being cold and callous and the worst? What's stopping you? You think your friends will leave? Don't worry you can manipulate them into being so dependent on you they won't be able to. Worried about hurting people's feelings? They probably won't even remember it and even if they do, Fuck 'em. The world is yours. When you're an asshole your power is limitless. There's no one who can do a thing to stop you and how dare they even try. I'm an asshole and proud of it.

Except

when your mom is crying because you called her a bitch.

Except

when your friends don't want to be friends with you because you never pay for dinner.

Except

when your girlfriend leaves you because you cheated on her because who cares anyway?

Nice one asshole.

You know what's interesting about assholes? We've all got one. I know this sounds juvenile but I think it's apt. Who doesn't have their moments? Who can't recount one time they were a prick for no reason, or mean on purpose? Who isn't an asshole?

Being an asshole isn't fun. It feels really bad to hurt people's feelings. It feels worse when they leave. I don't like the person that I used to be and I'm glad I'm changing but I still see him everywhere. In the way I talk to people if I haven't eaten, in the way I talk down to people I don't like. At my core I'm an asshole. I hope I can change.